Carlsberg don't make football commentators, which is a good job really as they are pretty rubbish at making lager. But if they did make football commentators they would probably be as flat and unsavoury as Clive Tyldesley - who is probably the worst football commentator in the world.

In fact if you narrow it down to the ones on television, there isn't a lot of 'probably' about it. John Motson comes across as quite geeky and Martin Tyler is renowned for his high-pitched squeals every time Steven Gerrard lines up a 30-yard shot, but neither are half as annoying as Tyldesley.

In fact the only commentator I can think of who come close, in annoyance standings, is BBC Five Live's Ted Hughes wannabe Stuart Hall. He conducts his match round up as though he is reading some 16th century Shakespeare poem and, in doing so, alienates 90 per cent of his listeners. Football fans just want to know the score and brief description of the goals, rather than listening to him Show off his literary prowess. Hall's commentaries are so self indulgent it feels as though he is picking is nose right in front of my face and wiping it in my ear. It's not pleasant.

However, you forgive Hall. He is a granddad-type figure of the BBC, stuck in a time warp where he believes Lord Reith is still director general and the broadcasting channel shows classical music on a Saturday night instead of rubbish like The Voice. He doesn't want to change and, at the age of 82, he doesn't really need to. Tyldesley does.

This is because he is still being given the big games, like Saturday's FA Cup final. When I found out he was the commentator for the game I contemplated pressing the mute button, but I was watching it with two other people who needed convincing that silence was better than Tyldesley. I don't know why. So I had to listen as Tyldesley, commented: "Drogba, he's just a big loveable lump really. Graham Norton seemed to get inside him last night."

It was alluding to the Chelsea striker's appearance on the Graham Norton Show that week. Now I'm no expert on the Graham Norton Show, but I am aware that his comedic style revolves around turning everything into a sexual innuendo.

Why Tyldesley decided to copy this is beyond me. At least when Hall is trying to emulate someone it is a playwright or a poet. Tyldesley is trying to emulate a stand-up comedian, and a poor one at that.

I would just like, for once, for Hall and Tyldesley to describe the football and keep their poems and jokes, or bogeys to put it politely, out of my ear.