Apparently, Helston, as a place, doesn't actually exist.

At least not according to those awarding the government's Levelling Up cash as the West Cornwall town lost out on millions of pounds worth of funding to Falmouth.

Rather than using the much-needed cash to transform a town desperately crying out for a make-over, it's been decided that what we all really need is a metro line connecting Newquay to Falmouth, fantastic...

Even Falmouth's very own mayor has come out and said this would be a 'total waste of money,' which leads this Skipper to wonder: Who decided this would be a good idea to start with?

According to the government, The Mid Cornwall Metro scheme was the only successful bid out of four submitted by Cornwall Council for Levelling Up funding, despite being more than twice the amount requested by Helston to transform the town. 

So who gave the go-ahead? Clearly not someone with any notion of what is and is not needed across Cornwall. Perhaps someone with a penchant for building toy train tracks and too much power?

The problem is, you can bet your buffer that it's the railway or no way, and there will be no chance to change what this funding will provide or channel it into something a bit more useful. 

Maybe the people of Helston need to go back to their old Jackie magazine collections and look for the articles titled 'How to get people to notice you.'