With another weekend approaching and rain in the forecast, Matt Dixon identifies 11 alternatives to playing football/rugby/shinty/lawn tennis/any other sport on grass.

1, Watch an FA Cup match on television. Although Cornwall has been under the biggest, blackest cloud since smog descended on London in 1952, it would seem that the rest of the country is blissfully unaware. Tune in on Friday night to witness a no-doubt pristine Huish Park, home of Yeovil Town, all of 90 miles from the Cornwall/Devon border.

2, Go on an archaeological dig. What better time to go easy on those back/shoulder/arm muscles by digging into earth that, if any wetter, would actually just be water? Remember to store the coastguard's number in your mobile though, because you'll definitely get stuck in the mud.

3, Hire a bike - but be careful where you ride it. The Camel Trail, the Bissoe Trail and any other trail within 30 miles of the coast has probably been reclaimed by the sea. They may not yet be established salt marshes to rival the south or France, but flamingoes could definitely flourish. And Coypus.

4, Write a letter - actually that's a bit ambitious - send a tweet/text/email to someone in another county asking them to Pray for Brea/Tredrea/Mount's Bay/St Day (and any other high rainfall spot ending in "ay").

5, Think yourself dry. Google "desert", slap on some sun tan lotion and watch half an hour of Stewart Lee (very dry) with a glass of Muscadet.

6, Open an umbrella shop. Have you ever seen one? Exactly, therefore there must be a gap in the market. Just make sure there's no gaps in your brolley though....

7, Rescue a frog. The little critters are popping up everywhere and that must mean they have been flushed out of their natural habitat. I've no idea how to rescue a frog or where to take it, but I'm certain that the last one I found didn't want to be in my garden shed, with only a broken bicycle and some damp newspaper for company.

8, DO NOT - under any circumstances - do a rain dance.

9, Gather in the excess rain water (if a container big enough actually exists) and arrange for it to be sent to Kent via a giant underground pipe network. Apparently their reservoirs are only 30 per cent full, according to a bloke that I spoke to in the pub. Must be true.

10, Open your mouth and catch the rain. Saves buying a plastic bottle of water, thus doing your bit for the environment.

11, Be grateful that we're not "gripped by snow and ice". Britain (apart from Cornwall) seems to be permanently "gripped by snow and ice" from around the second week in December until the end of February, so be happy in the knowledge that children and adults elsewhere are having the time of their rejuvenated lives on sleds, toboggans and old wooden surfboards.